Ron Stoppable and the Three Christmas Prostitutes
by Troumvirate
Summary: It's not much of a wonderful life for Ron Stoppable.  He needs a little help from an old friend to show him how truly blessed he is.  Entered in the Snow Daze Holiday contest.


Ron Stoppable is Jewish and so he doesn't celebrate Christmas. This is always a good plot device for Christmas stories that are full of angst that later turns into joy because Ron shows up to surprise Kim when she thought he would be doing stuff with his own family. So anyway, this is pretty much what's happening here. Only in reverse.

Ron was brooding alone in his room because he couldn't be with his best friend and girlfriend Kim Possible. He had only recently won her over with his heroic acts of heroism and helping to save the world from Drakken's Lil Diablo toys. He angsted because he knew that Kim wouldn't be in this story with him until the very end when something convenient happened to bring the two of them together. But being an invincible warrior with a never-ending money supply made one impatient when they normally could have anything at a moment's notice. Ron Stoppable is now Tony Stark. I'm sure someone will make some lame fusion of the two universes, if someone hasn't already.

"I wish I was not me," Ron said as he wallowed in his self-pity. "Then I could be with my one twu wuv."

Then suddenly a thunderclap accompanied by a bright flash of light engulfed his room. He raised his hands to shield his eyes from the incandescent attack on his senses. When everything had calmed down he saw Sensei floating before him surrounded in blue light.

"Ron Stoppable, I am very disappoint," he said.

Ron, despite his badassery, was quaking at the presence of his venerated superior.

"Sensei, what is going on?" he asked.

"You have abandoned yourself in pity and sorrow. You have forsaken who you are. I am going to show you a world where Ron Stoppable does not exist."

Before Ron could say anything he was engulfed in the light that surrounded Sensei. When he opened his eyes he saw that he was in a different room. It took only a few seconds to spot someone that he recognized.

"This is Bonnie Rockwaller," Sensei said. "If you did not exist, you would not be able to be in stories where she is a depressed, angry girl who lashes out at everyone because of her problems at home. Without you she would remain a shallow, popular high school girl who hates Kim and whores herself out to every guy with a nice car. When she is with you, she only whores herself out to you because you are a super awesome nice guy who likes her for who she is. Do you see how this is a huge improvement?"

Ron nodded and in an instant he was transferred to another room. He recognized this one more readily. It was in Dr. Drakken's lair.

He saw Shego there watch as Dr. Drakken plotted his next world domination scheme.

"This is Shego," Sensei said again. "If you did not exist, you would not be able to be in stories with her where it is revealed that Shego is just a scared, whiney little girl who has been abused and picked on her whole life because she's green. You would not be there to be a shoulder for her to cry on and allow her to open up and tell you how much she just wants a friend. And of course there would be no Rongo sex scenes either, because let's face it, pretty much all Rongo stories turn into porn."

"So instead she would continue to be evil until one day she and Kim finally decided to admit their closet lesbian feelings for each other. But since you would not exist, you would not be there for them to fight once you turn into a jealous monster who is a whipping boy for authors to take out their Ron-hatred on."

And again, before Ron could speak, he was transferred to another room. It was the most familiar of them all. It was the room of his best friend girlfriend teen hero sidekick fiery red haired emerald green eyed true love, Kim Possible.

"I know that you recognize her," Sensei said as he pointed to Kim Possible. "If you did not exist, then you and Kim would have never gotten together in So The Drama. There would be no Kim/Ron pairing. And without the Kim/Ron pairing, we would not have all of the fluffy, cringe-worthy, cheesy stories that older people love so much."

"And at the same time, we would not have the many poorly written, porn without plot stories that also plague this website. Without you, who would be there to have graphic heterosexual sex scenes with Kim? While there may be some stories out there where Shego has a penis, these are few and far between."

"Do you understand now? Do you see that you are the only real choice for a male protagonist in the entire Kim Possible fandom? Without you 90% of all stories would be Kigo, KimBon, KimMon, and so on. But there would be some involving Dr. Drakken and a random female too. But none the less, you are very important for wish fulfillment, Ron Stoppable. You are the reason that roughly half of the people read Kim Possible stories. You are a role model, a man that people wish they were like. You must accept yourself for who you are."

And in that instant Ron was aware of his destiny. He was not destined to be some savior of the world. He was not destined to become the master of monkey kung fu. His true purpose in life was to be a vessel for middle-aged men to live their fantasies through. Ron Stoppable had evolved far beyond his humble Disney origins. He was now a super hero with a motorcycle and regularly drew the attention of every girl in the Kim Possible fandom. He was more than Ron Stoppable, or even Tony Stark. Ron Stoppable was Ironman, Batman, Ghost Rider and Hugh Hefner all rolled into one.

"Thank you , Sensei. I now understand what you are telling me. But because you have revealed how awesome I am, it turns out that I never needed you to tell me any of this stuff to begin with. I am the invincible and infallible Ron Stoppable, and I would have figured it out on my own. I make Richard Rahl look pitiful in comparison."

Suddenly Ron awoke with a gasp for air. Looking around he saw that he was in his bed all alone and in the dark. He remembered the strange dream he had just had. He realized how important he was and smiled at the thought. He, like many of the readers who idolize him may have been a loser in high school, but now he was the epitome of awesomeness.

He realized it was Christmas morning. If this was like every other sappy Christmas fic, he would be able to run downstairs and Kim would be there waiting for him. He jumped out of bed and rushed to where his true love would be waiting for him. When he got there he saw his parents both sitting in the living room. Both wore solemn expressions on their faces.

"Ron, we have some bad news. Kim died in a car accident last night."

Ron's heart sank. "What? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"This is our way of telling you."

The end.


End file.
